Charlie:: You can’t leave the house except for school.
Bella:: MEANIE PANTS!
[OKAY, SRSLY, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PLOT?!]
Plot:: *Rotting in the trunk of Edwards Volvo.*
Edward:: I still love you.
Edward:: Let’s get married.
Bella:: Ew no.
*This takes up more than half the book, no joke*
Edward:: You can’t see that dog Jacob anymore.
*Somewhere in here they go to visit Bella's mother in Florida and her and Bella have a SRSBIDNIZ talk*
Victoria:: HurrHurr, I James’ mate am back to kill Bella.
Werewolves:: We’ll help you pussy little vampires.
Vampires:: Oh hay, no. wait yes. our other buddies wont halp because ones an angry moron with not real reason to except that Meyer want's it to be as such.
Jasper:: *has a half decent back story, really the only highlight of this entire book.*
Everyone:: *Goes to war against Victoria and her vampire army.*
*They miraculously win, with only one injury that being Jacob go figure.*
Volturi:: Oh look, you did our job for us, except for killing this one chick, well fuck you.
Cullen’s:: Woo, go us. We’re so awesome and accomplished.
Volturi:: Why is Bella still a human, we should kill you all now.
Cullen’s:: We’re turning her after she graduates from highschool.
. . . wait didn’t that happen earlier in the book? Meh.
*In La Push*
Jacob:: I am all dismembered and junk! Yay!
Charlie:: WTFH, That was caused by a motorcycle accident!? *too stupid to catch on to anything going on*
Carlisle:: I am here to save young werewolf boy.
Billy:: GREJAJKHDFDSDKLJ! GTFO MY PROPERTIEZZZZZ.
*Back in Forks* [Or should I say Sporks. HurrHurr.]
Bella:: So, now I’ve decided if you want to marry me, I want sex.
Edward:: Fine, but we have to get married first.
Bella:: But I get sex right?
Edward: Yes, so then we have a deal. Let’s tell Charlie we’re engaged, of course we better omit the fact that you get sex.
Bella:: Okay, just make sure he doesn’t have his gun, you know incase he tries to kill you.
Edward:: You idiot I’m a vampire, oh by the way Jacob heard you tell me you loved me and crap, and he’s being all emo about it. [There may have been a build up to it, but that was probably the part I slept through.]
. . . which reminds me what did happen to Jacob?
Leah:: Get over Bella, she’s just a dirty Mary-sue.
Jacob:: But I love her.
Leah:: So, as I said before, Mary-sue. *Total bitch about it.*
Jacob:: *Runs away*
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