Summarizing the Idiocy.

Summarizing the Idiocy:: Twilight || Book One.

2008-12-21T17:53:00.000-08:00

STI: TWILIGHT.

Bella:: I’m an annoying Mary-Sue, who hates everything about the place I moved to! I don’t know why I bothered moving in with my dad.

Charlie:: Sup? I got you a truck.

Bella:: Oh rad I hate you, I hate this place, I hate my life.

Charlie:: ‘Kay awesome, leave me alone I want to watch baseball.

*School Day*

Bella:: I hate it here. [What a fucking surprise.]

Every guy in the school:: OMG, You’re sexy marry me.

Bella:: Ew no, use some Pro-Active acne solution, you’re nasty.

Jessica:: HEY YOU’RE IN MY CLASSES.

Bella:: OMG, who is the god like man sitting there with all the other pretty people!

Jessica:: Edward Cullen.

Bella:: I love him!

*Insert boring crap here*

Edward:: I hate you, you wreak.

Bella:: NO FAIR! *emocutcutcutslashwhine*

*No plot line at all//more boring crap*

Bella:: *almost dies*

Edward:: *Saves*

Bella:: ILUSM EDDIEBBYCKS.

Edward:: Meh, don’t talk to me, get in the ambulance. I still hate you, you still wreak I just didn’t want you to die. [What the fuck sense does THAT make?]

*Later*

Bella:: *Almost get raped while dress shopping* [WTFH?]

Edward:: *saves again*

Bella:: JACOB TOLD ME YOU WERE A VAMPIRE!

Edward:: Yep, I’m a vampire, and I decided I love you.

Bella:: Finally! *Cling*

Edward:: You should hate me I’m dangerous, I sparkle.

Bella:: So? I’m a Mary-sue, I throw caution in the wind and don’t listen to rules. Because I’m fucking hardcore, wait you sparkle?

Edward:: I’ll show you someday.

*Insert continuous lack of plot here*

Alice:: ‘Sup, I can see the future I for see you dying.

*Insert more lovey dovey ilusm Edward/Bella BS here.*

Edward:: Alice saw it storming, lets go play baseball.

Bella:: Whut?

*Cullen family plays baseball vampire style, obv.*

Three random vampires:: ‘Sup G? Hay I see you brought food.

Cullens:: No! She’s with us.

James:: Oh well, she smells tasty I’mma hunt her!.

Bella:: Trust me I taste way worse then I smell. *flees the state*

James:: *Finds her house and lures her there*

Bella:: EEK!

James:: lol, you were stupid enough to come. *almost kills*

*Later*

Bella:: Oh hey, I survived all thanks to my one true love Edward! Oh ew, my leg is broken.

Edward:: Hello girl I am so in love with I would do anything for! Your mothers here I’m gonna pretend to sleep!

Bella’s mother:: I think that boy might be in love with you. *stating the obvious.*

Bella:: Yep, I love him too! We’re soul mates.

* Even Later*

Bella:: Oh fuck! You’re taking me to prom!? How could I not realize that Alice dressing me up in a fancy designer dress and doing my hair and makeup on the DAY of the prom could mean that, and wait I’m only a junior WHY THE HELL AM I EVEN GOING TO PROM?

Edward:: I love you, lets dance gimpy.

Bella:: I can’t dance lets go have a sappy moment outside instead.

Edward:: Okay. *sparkle* [I know he didn’t sparkle in the book at the end, but he may as well have.]

STI:: NEW MOON || BOOK TWO.

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Summarizing the Idiocy:: New Moon || Book Two.

2008-12-21T17:47:00.000-08:00

STI: NEW MOON

Bella:: OMG I LOVE YOU!

Edward:: Happy Birthday, my brother almost killed you, I’m leaving.

Bella:: *Depressed for months.*

Jacob:: Hey girl that I’m in love with for no real reason except that she’s the Mary-sue of this series!

Bella:: Oh hi Jacob. You’ll make me feel better.

Jacob:: Oh by the way, I’m a werewolf I hate Edward!

Bella:: I miss him. *emo*

Jacob:: Take your mind off him. He’s an idiot, and a vampire.

Bella:: I’m going to do stupid things so I can have visions of Edward! [In most societies that would cause people to deem you delusional.]

*Bella jumps off a cliff, Jacob rescues her*

Bella:: Oh hi, ew wet dog, gtfo.

Alice:: I AM BACK, OH HI BELLA, I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.

Bella:: No I just jumped off a cliff, then Jacob had to rescue me, because I started seeing Edward in the water and let myself drown.

Alice:: Oh, well Edward thinks you’re dead and he’s going to Italy to have old powerful vampires kill him.

Bella:: What a cliche, he can’t live without me! Let’s go to Italy and save him!

*In Italy*

Edward:: *Emo* Bella is gone, I want to die.

Fan girls:: HOW ROMANTIC!

Bella:: No! I’m alive, see.

Edward: No you aren’t, oh wait you are, sup bby?

Bella:: I LOVE YOU!

*STILL NO PLOT LINE!? HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS SPAN FOUR GOD DAMNED BOOKS?*

Volturi:: We keel yew nao human gurl.

Edward:: Please no!

Bella:: WhutWhut? *has no idea what’s going on*

Aro:: Sup, I hear yur immune to vampire abilities.

Bella:: I guess?

Aro:: Hardcore, I’mma dew eet up tew see.

Bella:: *is immune* [*GASP* THAT'S A SHOCKER!]

Aro:: Can yew join us?

Bella:: Nothnx, I love Edward, hes gorgeous you're just old and albino looking. *clings to sparkle faggot*

Aro:: oh kay, well you bitches turn her or we’ll keel yew all.

Alice & Edward:: Kay G. Will do.

Edward & Bella:: *Skip away happily into the mother fucking sunset*

*Insert OHFUCKIHATEYOUSOMUCHJACOB moment here, oh and still not plot*

Charlie:: WHAR WUR YEW YOUNG LADDDIIIEE?

Edward & Bella:: OH SHIT, WE FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

STI: ECLIPSE || BOOK THREE.

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Summarizing the Idiocy:: Eclipse || Book Three.

2008-12-21T17:43:00.000-08:00

STI: ECLIPSE.

Charlie:: You can’t leave the house except for school.

Bella:: MEANIE PANTS!

[OKAY, SRSLY, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE PLOT?!]

Plot:: *Rotting in the trunk of Edwards Volvo.*

Edward:: I still love you.

Bella:: Yay!

Edward:: Let’s get married.

Bella:: Ew no.

*This takes up more than half the book, no joke*

Edward:: You can’t see that dog Jacob anymore.

Bella:: WHAT?!

*Somewhere in here they go to visit Bella's mother in Florida and her and Bella have a SRSBIDNIZ talk*

Victoria:: HurrHurr, I James’ mate am back to kill Bella.

Werewolves:: We’ll help you pussy little vampires.

Vampires:: Oh hay, no. wait yes. our other buddies wont halp because ones an angry moron with not real reason to except that Meyer want's it to be as such.

Jasper:: *has a half decent back story, really the only highlight of this entire book.*

Everyone:: *Goes to war against Victoria and her vampire army.*

*They miraculously win, with only one injury that being Jacob go figure.*

Victoria:: *Dead*

Volturi:: Oh look, you did our job for us, except for killing this one chick, well fuck you.

Cullen’s:: Woo, go us. We’re so awesome and accomplished.

Volturi:: Why is Bella still a human, we should kill you all now.

Cullen’s:: We’re turning her after she graduates from highschool.

. . . wait didn’t that happen earlier in the book? Meh.

*In La Push*

Jacob:: I am all dismembered and junk! Yay!

Charlie:: WTFH, That was caused by a motorcycle accident!? *too stupid to catch on to anything going on*

Carlisle:: I am here to save young werewolf boy.

Billy:: GREJAJKHDFDSDKLJ! GTFO MY PROPERTIEZZZZZ.

*Back in Forks* [Or should I say Sporks. HurrHurr.]

Bella:: So, now I’ve decided if you want to marry me, I want sex.

Edward:: Fine, but we have to get married first.

Bella:: But I get sex right?

Edward: Yes, so then we have a deal. Let’s tell Charlie we’re engaged, of course we better omit the fact that you get sex.

Bella:: Okay, just make sure he doesn’t have his gun, you know incase he tries to kill you.

Edward:: You idiot I’m a vampire, oh by the way Jacob heard you tell me you loved me and crap, and he’s being all emo about it. [There may have been a build up to it, but that was probably the part I slept through.]

. . . which reminds me what did happen to Jacob?

Oh right.

Leah:: Get over Bella, she’s just a dirty Mary-sue.

Jacob:: But I love her.

Leah:: So, as I said before, Mary-sue. *Total bitch about it.*

Jacob:: *Runs away*

STI: BREAKING DAWN || BOOK FOUR.

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Summarizing the Idiocy:: Breaking Dawn || Book Four.

2008-12-21T16:14:00.000-08:00

STI: BREAKING DAWN.

[This summary will be a summary of the summary.]

Bella:: Boo, I’m getting married today.

Edward:: Finally.

Jacob:: I am here to say hello before you become some evil vampire spawn.

Bella:: *Clings to*

Jacob:: Bye now.

Edward:: THIS IS TANYA THE OTHER PERFECT VAMPIRE THAT LIKED ME!?

Bella:: *Feels all jealous and inferior, like the typical Mary-sue when confronted with someone prettier.*

*They get married and all that fucking faggotry, everyone's happy for them*

Edward:: Let’s go we need to go on our honey moon.

Bella:: Okay.

*The honey moon*

Bella:: Carlisle loves Esme so much he bought her and Island. I’m jealous.

Edward:: Yeah, romantic isn’t it.

Bella:: Let’s have sex.

Edward:: but I could kill you.

Bella:: I don’t care take me now! *wears sexy lingerie*

*Edward and Bella have sex multiple times while on their honeymoon, no shock Edward doesn’t kill her*

Bella:: *Gets sick*

Edward:: Are you okay?

Bella:: No, I think I’m pregnant. *calls Rosalie*

*THIS DEFIES ALL LOGIC AND GOES AGAINST ALL VAMPIRE NOVELS AND PREVIOUS STATEMENTS BY THE FUCKING AUTHOR OF THIS SERIES, WTFH!?*

Edward:: You need an Abortion

Rosalie:: *hiss*

*Half of the book is written in Jacobs POV, and I don’t care to write much of it*

Jacob:: Oh holy shit, you’re preggo. How’d that happen.

Edward:: *shrug* but it’s going to kill her and she won’t let us shove a coat hanger up there and kill it.

Rosalie:: *hiss*

Other Werewolves:: *try to kill Bella*

The Cullen's and three werewolves:: *stop it from happening*

Bella:: *drinks blood and crap like that, then goes into labour*

*insert mildly grotesque birthing scene, where the Cullen’s literally eat Bella’s stomach open to free the baby monster thing inside her*

Rosalie:: *leaves with the baby*

Bella:: *dead right now*

Edward:: *injects vampire venom into her heart and performs CPR until she becomes a vampire*

Jacob:: *moping downstairs looks at baby bella and imprints on her*

Bella:: *wakes up cant see her baby because she may kill her half human monstrosity, has a special gift obviously, and goes hunting*

[Okay so this is literally where I stopped reading the saga, so lets just say. Bella fucking gets on a unicorn and saves the mother fucking world by slaying the Volturi, and then she becomes queen of the fucking universe and her baby grows up to be just like her, in other words she’s a Mary-sue vampire obsessed retard who want’s Edward, but sadly is stuck with Jacob, oh poo.]

STI: THE AFTERMATH | BOOK FIVE.

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Summarizing the Idiocy:: The Aftermath || What book five would be like.

2008-11-20T10:23:00.000-08:00

STI:: THE AFTERMATH.

Bella:: I'm a vampire! A really lame one, I sparkle and don't have fangs! Oh and I rule the world because in the last book I realized I'm one of those all powerful Mary-sue types!

Logical Readers:: Oh god someone shut her up already!

Edward:: I'm here hunnybunchesofoatsbby. *Sparkle*

Bella: OH MY GOD, YOU'RE STILL DAZZLING AND PERFECT AND JUNK, LIKE TTLY TAEK ME NOW.

Meyer:: I AM SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW! *Masturbates to the thought of her crap characters have sex.*

Renseme:: MOMMY MOMMY, JACOB LIKES TO FONDLE MY BOOBIES.

Bella:: Of course he does dear. [I mean srsly who hasn't realized how perverse the fact that a 17 year old male imprinted on a BABY/TODDLER/CHILD.]

Meyer:: *Continues doing her business.* OH IF YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW, I'M FAT.

Logical Readers:: EEEEWWWW, THE MENTAL IMAGE.

Edward:: SOME OF THIS SHOULD BE IN MY POINT OF VIEW!

Bella:: No, I'm the Mary-sue, go get your own popular series Edward.

Edward:: Oh Bella, the only reason people even read Twilight was so they could pretend to be you so they could pretend I stalked them around and killed adorable little animals so I didn't kill you.

Fans:: OMGEDWARDMARRYUS!

Logical Readers:: You're a creep, gtfo the internet now.

Plot:: *still rotting away in the Volvo.*

*SOMEWHERE IN ITALY*

Aro:: *Dances around a revel fire* [I didn't read all of book four, I have no clue if he's dead or not.]

Caius:: Aro what does this accomplish?

Aro:: *Strips down and rubs mud all over body* I dunno bitch, but it feels hardcore right yo'.

Marcus:: I'm really starting to worry about him, he's just not the same anymore.

Caius/Jane/Other Volturis:: Tell me about it.

*BACK IN FORKS OR WHEREVER THE FUCK THEY LIVE NOW*

Renseme:: I R VAMPIRE. I VANT TEW SUK UR BLUDZ.

Logical Readers:: Oh fuck, she's a nooblet-sue.

Fans:: OH MY GOD RENSEME, WE WANT TO BE JUST LIKE YOU, WHICH IS WHY WE DON'T SPELL WHEN WE ARGUE THAT TWILIGHT IT THE BEST SERIES EVER!

Bella:: I NEED MORE LINES.

Edward:: AS DO I.

Jacob:: *Molests Renseme, because hes a fucking pedophile.*

Other Cullens:: THIS IS OUR ONE LINE!

Jasper:: Wait that hardly seems fair.

Alice:: I know! What the hell Meyer. Write in your better characters at least a little more often.

Jasper:: Alice you do realize you aren't one of her better characters.

Emmett: Are any of her characters decent?

Logical Readers:: Needs moar Jasper and Carlisle, you know the two she more than likely plagiarized from someone else.

*Intermission with Jasper and Carlisle Cullen*

Carlisle:: So Jasper, you had a half decent back story in the book Eclipse.

Jasper:: Yours wasn't to bad in Twilight either, wasn't really elaborated on. Which was good because that means Meyer didn't ruin your character.

Carlisle:: That's true. I hope she doesn't ruin my character in Midnight Sun.

Jasper:: She probably wont, she'll try to make you really well developed by wikipediaing some famous novelist and stealing their characters back story.

Carlisle:: On that note, who did she steal your back story from Jasper?

Jasper:: I'm not sure, but we could always google it and find out.

Carlisle:: Good idea. *Gets out laptop and googles.*

Jasper:: Well oh my god! She plagiarized me from. . . .

*End of intermission.*

Bella:: Back to meeee! Because I'm perfect and crap!

Edward:: I love you Bella. *sparkles violently*

Plot:: *tries to come back to life.*

Meyer:: *Gets Dick Cheney's hunting rifle and shoots.*

Plot:: *dead again.*

Edward and Bella:: *Have some random love scene*

Fans:: AW THAT'S SO CUTE! I WANT TO BE BELLA!

Logical Readers:: Okay, this whole thing is getting really quite old.

Any English Major in Existence:: *Agrees.*

Renseme & Jacob:: *Have some form of sexual contact*

Meyer:: *Does more inappropriate things to herself.*

Bella:: OH MY GOD, I BROKE A NAIL!

Edward:: Holy shit! Lets do something totally irrelevant to that just because Meyer want's us to seem all powerful!

*Insert that very thing I just mentioned.*

Bella:: Edwaaard, I love you.

Edward:: I love you more.

Bella:: Nu-huh

Edward:: Yah-huh

*Insert 28 pages of that and sex, and a happy ever after.*

A courageous logical reader:: *Storms in with a a packet of matches and lights them up putting one down each vampires throat causing them to be set ablaze.* [In a interview Meyer said that the venom in her vampires was flammable, if by biting a person the venom is injected into a person that would make there mouth, throat, stomach, highly flammable, therefore killing them.]

Other Logical Readers:: OUR HERO!

THE FUCKING END.

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